Game: Nj Nets vs Toronto Raptors
Date: 11/15/08
Terror-maker: Vince Carter
Offense: Causing emotional trauma
Target: Toronto Raptor Fans
With the Raptors up by 7 with two minutes to go, I was pretty sure the game was over. The nets naturally kept dumping the ball into Vince Carters hands, and Vince went and made a couple of shots in a row. Then he made a few more. All of a sudden the nets were down 2 with only a couple seconds remaining and Anthony Parker at the line. Naturally Parker missed the first free throw. Parker=Douche. I had him on my fantasy's team for a few weeks, and saying he sucked ass would be an understatement. Anyway, so the leads at 3 with .8 seconds remaining. I tell my bud "wouldn't it be something if Vince made a three right now?". Sure enough Vince came through with a shocking three from deep. That capped 12 points in a row by Vince. To make matters worse, after a flurry of three's by bosh, Hayes, and Parker the game was tied near the end of OT. With 2 seconds to go, Vince ends the game with a reverse dunk off an inbounds pass from Bobby Simmons. Man, that was one hell of an entertaining game. But most importantly, it ruined the day of raptor fans everywhere. Vince Carter, who's often accused of not giving it his all, reverted back to his days of Vincesanity to take a seemingly wrapped up game out of the hands of the raptors and send theem to a devastating loss.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Nj Nets Announcers, Terrorizing the NBA on 11/15/08
Game: NJ Nets vs Atlanta Hawks
Date: 11/15/08
Terror-maker: Both NJ Nets announcers
Offense: "Bring out the biscuits its T-time!"
Target: All living beings with functional hearing senses.
Around the third quarter of the Nets-hawks game, Joe Johnson got hit with a technical foul for arguing with a ref. About a few seconds after that the hawks coach got hit with a tech as well. This prompted one of the announcers (I can't tell them apart, both sound like douche's) to say "BRING OUT THE BISCUITS, ITS TEA TIME!". Apparently its supposed to be funny because people were getting hit with "t's", which sounds like "tea". And some people eat biscuits with tea. So ha ha. Its a joke. I was too busy dealing with the pain of my ear drums exploding to find it funny at the time. Either that or it was a stupid joke.
Date: 11/15/08
Terror-maker: Both NJ Nets announcers
Offense: "Bring out the biscuits its T-time!"
Target: All living beings with functional hearing senses.
Around the third quarter of the Nets-hawks game, Joe Johnson got hit with a technical foul for arguing with a ref. About a few seconds after that the hawks coach got hit with a tech as well. This prompted one of the announcers (I can't tell them apart, both sound like douche's) to say "BRING OUT THE BISCUITS, ITS TEA TIME!". Apparently its supposed to be funny because people were getting hit with "t's", which sounds like "tea". And some people eat biscuits with tea. So ha ha. Its a joke. I was too busy dealing with the pain of my ear drums exploding to find it funny at the time. Either that or it was a stupid joke.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Derek Fisher, Terrorizing the NBA on 11/14/08
Game: Los Angeles Lakers vs Detriot Pistons
Date: 11/14/08
Terror-maker: Derek Fisher
Offense: Shooting 4/16
Target: The Los Angeles Lakers
I could have chosen Kwame Brown as the number one offender on November the 14th, as he completely out played both Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol. Seriously. Kwame Brown. But no, what Derek Fisher did is far more criminal than Pau getting shut down by Kwame. Fisher came into the game shooting 36% from the field, and then he goes and chucks up 16 shots. Its one thing to shoot when your team has a comfortable lead, giving yourself a chance to find your groove without screwing everyone over. Its another thing to shoot deep 2's on a fast break while your teams trying to fight back from a double digit deficit. Every time he brought the ball up the court he chucked up a shot. Although he had 0 turnovers, he missed 12 shots. Had someone else taken those twelve shots and say hit six of them, the Lakers would have had a realistic chance at winning. The guy is taking 10.8 shots a game and hitting on average 3.8 of them. That's as efficient as an old lady using an entire shopping cart just to check out a pack of gum. I don't get why old ladies have to use a shopping cart for everything. Don't they realize it congest the check-out lines? Anyway, I know Derek fisher is a great locker room leader, but on the court he's well, trigger happy. Trigger happy+ 30% shooting=fail.
Date: 11/14/08
Terror-maker: Derek Fisher
Offense: Shooting 4/16
Target: The Los Angeles Lakers
I could have chosen Kwame Brown as the number one offender on November the 14th, as he completely out played both Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol. Seriously. Kwame Brown. But no, what Derek Fisher did is far more criminal than Pau getting shut down by Kwame. Fisher came into the game shooting 36% from the field, and then he goes and chucks up 16 shots. Its one thing to shoot when your team has a comfortable lead, giving yourself a chance to find your groove without screwing everyone over. Its another thing to shoot deep 2's on a fast break while your teams trying to fight back from a double digit deficit. Every time he brought the ball up the court he chucked up a shot. Although he had 0 turnovers, he missed 12 shots. Had someone else taken those twelve shots and say hit six of them, the Lakers would have had a realistic chance at winning. The guy is taking 10.8 shots a game and hitting on average 3.8 of them. That's as efficient as an old lady using an entire shopping cart just to check out a pack of gum. I don't get why old ladies have to use a shopping cart for everything. Don't they realize it congest the check-out lines? Anyway, I know Derek fisher is a great locker room leader, but on the court he's well, trigger happy. Trigger happy+ 30% shooting=fail.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Stephon Marbury: Staying Sane
The Stephon Marbury saga, spanning from 03-04 to 07-08 looks like it will finally come to and end. During that period of time we've been treated to many highly entertaining Steph moments. Such as:
1. Showing up to Mike'd up on pcp. Hilarity ensues.
2. Talking about preparing for the upcoming NBA season by running in the mountains.
3. Claiming he has dirt on Isiah.
4. Running Larry Brown out of town while simultaneously running the Knicks into the ground.
5. Doing things in vans to interns.
6. Acting flat out crazy.
The list goes on and on. Unfortunately for some, it seems as if Stephon has finally learned how to control his insanity. When Mike D'antoni decided to bench Stephon, the media decided to blow up the story. Stephon has been pressed about how he feels about the situation, asked the same questions over and over, and yet, the media still hasn't gotten the flat out insane response its been dying for. The same people who helped Stephon look like a maniac, are now going insane waiting for him to crack.
Instead monitoring Stephon round the clock, what the media should really be doing is pressing hardcore gangster Tony Battie. During the Bulls vs Magic game, it came very apparent that my new hero, Andres Nocioni, was pissing off everyone on the Magic. He kicked Rashard Lewis in the groin, landed a hard foul on Keyon Dooling, Dwight Howard and Hedo Turkowhatever. Each of them tried to do their ego's justice by "stepping up" to Andres, who simply smiled and laughed. Clearly Andres was just playing the game with toughness, while the pansy's on the magic took it personally. Of course, Tony Battie would have none of this. After Andres drove in on Rashard hit the lay up and got an opportunity for a three point play, Andres let out a huge roar. Tony Battie realized his groups gangsterness was on the line, so what does he do? He approaches Andres, bumps him, and mumbles something. Andres flat out ignored him and walked to the free throw line. Bravery at its finest. Battie looks like an over sized Orc, and Orcs are generally big i assume. Furthermore, Tony Battie is shooting 36% and averaging 2 points per game. The dudes 6'11. Whys he playing so bad you ask? Cause' he's busy running the hood for the magic. He has no time for "basketball". If I were the media, i'd focus more on this shady character Battie and what he does "off the court". Waiting for Stephon to revert to insanity is just a waste of time.
1. Showing up to Mike'd up on pcp. Hilarity ensues.
2. Talking about preparing for the upcoming NBA season by running in the mountains.
3. Claiming he has dirt on Isiah.
4. Running Larry Brown out of town while simultaneously running the Knicks into the ground.
5. Doing things in vans to interns.
6. Acting flat out crazy.
The list goes on and on. Unfortunately for some, it seems as if Stephon has finally learned how to control his insanity. When Mike D'antoni decided to bench Stephon, the media decided to blow up the story. Stephon has been pressed about how he feels about the situation, asked the same questions over and over, and yet, the media still hasn't gotten the flat out insane response its been dying for. The same people who helped Stephon look like a maniac, are now going insane waiting for him to crack.
Instead monitoring Stephon round the clock, what the media should really be doing is pressing hardcore gangster Tony Battie. During the Bulls vs Magic game, it came very apparent that my new hero, Andres Nocioni, was pissing off everyone on the Magic. He kicked Rashard Lewis in the groin, landed a hard foul on Keyon Dooling, Dwight Howard and Hedo Turkowhatever. Each of them tried to do their ego's justice by "stepping up" to Andres, who simply smiled and laughed. Clearly Andres was just playing the game with toughness, while the pansy's on the magic took it personally. Of course, Tony Battie would have none of this. After Andres drove in on Rashard hit the lay up and got an opportunity for a three point play, Andres let out a huge roar. Tony Battie realized his groups gangsterness was on the line, so what does he do? He approaches Andres, bumps him, and mumbles something. Andres flat out ignored him and walked to the free throw line. Bravery at its finest. Battie looks like an over sized Orc, and Orcs are generally big i assume. Furthermore, Tony Battie is shooting 36% and averaging 2 points per game. The dudes 6'11. Whys he playing so bad you ask? Cause' he's busy running the hood for the magic. He has no time for "basketball". If I were the media, i'd focus more on this shady character Battie and what he does "off the court". Waiting for Stephon to revert to insanity is just a waste of time.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A New Breed of Tennis Evil
Public Tennis courts are bad enough as it is. Cracks in the court, grass growing in cement and nets that are half torn are only some of the problems encountered at these courts. Usually you can have a good time playing tennis regardless of these issues. But there is one problem that pushes the annoyance of public tennis courts over the edge.
Kindergarten Tennis Teachers
They show up at the court right next to yours. They bring about one hundred tennis balls, and ten very hyper five year old tennis players. The result? A pissed off you.
Its very difficult enjoying a game of Two on Two when you have countless numbers of tennis balls landing in the middle of your court. Eventually you get tired of keeping track on who's ball is whose, and you just pick one up and serve. You try your best to enjoy the game even though your blue court has suddenly turned green due to all of the badly hit shots flying your way. And then you realize, you just can't. Kindergarten Tennis Teachers ruin everyones fun. In fact, the majority of them don't Even know what they're teaching. The only thing they're good at is telling them to form even rows and to stop hitting each other over the head with the rackets. Way to take out the fun from Kindergarten Tennis.
After one kid lost grip on his racket launched it towards us and nearly took off my head, it was time to go. We decided to take every tennis ball on our court out of spite. In response to this, the kindergarten teacher yells out "THE ONES WITH THE BLACK DOTS ARE OURS". In response to that, I smirked and kept putting the tennis balls in our basket. Although we won the battle, we still lost the war. Its time to relocate to new courts.
Kindergarten Tennis Teachers
They show up at the court right next to yours. They bring about one hundred tennis balls, and ten very hyper five year old tennis players. The result? A pissed off you.
Its very difficult enjoying a game of Two on Two when you have countless numbers of tennis balls landing in the middle of your court. Eventually you get tired of keeping track on who's ball is whose, and you just pick one up and serve. You try your best to enjoy the game even though your blue court has suddenly turned green due to all of the badly hit shots flying your way. And then you realize, you just can't. Kindergarten Tennis Teachers ruin everyones fun. In fact, the majority of them don't Even know what they're teaching. The only thing they're good at is telling them to form even rows and to stop hitting each other over the head with the rackets. Way to take out the fun from Kindergarten Tennis.
After one kid lost grip on his racket launched it towards us and nearly took off my head, it was time to go. We decided to take every tennis ball on our court out of spite. In response to this, the kindergarten teacher yells out "THE ONES WITH THE BLACK DOTS ARE OURS". In response to that, I smirked and kept putting the tennis balls in our basket. Although we won the battle, we still lost the war. Its time to relocate to new courts.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Your Basketball Friends
The 2008/2009 NBA season is almost here. And you know what that means. That's right, another year of arguing with your friends about who'll win what, who'll beat who, and why your team is only one short winning streak away from establishing themselves as the inevitable NBA champ. To some people, all the arguing and bickering might be tiring, annoying and childish. To that I say: What would following the NBA be like without it? Honestly, if you can't afford to sit court side at every game, what purpose is there in following the NBA? When your team wins, you don't get a ring. You don't get paid. The only thing you get, is the satisfaction of being right when your friends are wrong. Of course with all the personalities you deal with, you tend to realize that they all have certain thinking patterns. One friend always thinks team A is one player away from dominating their conference, one friend thinks Team B is the second coming of the mid 90's bulls, one guy is an all out band wagoner. These following generic personalities can probably be found in every group of NBA following buddies:
The Dreamer: Hope is never on short supply for this fellow. Even if his teams jet (with all the players inside) fell into a bottomless pit and have an estimated 1 year get-out-of-pit time, he'll still believe. This guy heads into the season thinking the Isiah Thomas run Knicks will not only make the playoffs, they will win the championship. He's so oblivious to reality that he will sit there, stare you right in the eyes and say "The Knicks are going all the way", without the slightest hint of him joking. That's because he's not. He's insane.
The Band wagoner: As soon as a team/player has a breakout season/moment you can bet your bottom dollar that Band wagoner will be there rooting for them. These dirty smug characters will change their myspace skins to that of Baron Davis as soon as he helps complete a huge upset against the Dallas Mavericks. Then, only a season later, he will constantly tell you how the Boston Celtics are the equivalent of the 1990's bulls. He'll wear his KG jersey everywhere he goes. Yes, that includes funerals. As soon as the Celtics get beaten twice by the Hawks, he'll tell you how he thinks the hawks are on their way to becoming the second coming of the 1990's bulls. He'll even tattoo their logo on his face, only to remove it a week later upon the hawks elimination. In which case, he will tell you how Chris Paul is the second coming of God for destroying the Spurs in game 1 and 2.
The Thinker: This guy finds meanings within the comments of announcers that you'd never think possible. For example, an announcer might say, "Since Kenyon Martin has been out of the game Kobe Bryant has lit up the Denver Nuggets". With no prior knowledge of Kenyon Martin or Kobe Bryant one might assume that Kenyon Martin is a good defender. That's the astonishing part. The Thinker has prior knowledge of everything, he just interprets it in an unbelievable way. That same announcer sentence would have The Thinker immediately classify Kenyon Martin as one of the best defenders in the NBA, and store it in his brain for life. You could be sitting their and say, "boy, James Posey might be one of the best defenders in the NBA" The Thinker will reply with "Yeah, so is Kenyon martin". Another quality of the thinker is a lack of acceptance to new data. If the Celtics limit Lebron James to 20% shooting for one game, The Thinker will always claim that the Celtics always lock-down Lebron. Lebron scoring 40 two games straight, or 100, will not change the thinkers stance. Nothing will. Not even brutal torture. Eventually the thinkers constant trips out of reality will result in him being alienated from your basketball group, until the season passes that is.
Your Archenemies: This particular guy always pisses you off. You'll talk about how you're glad your teams looking like they will, Archenemies will tell you how it seems like a long shot. And when he's right, he'll make sure to remind you. But when he's wrong, he will simply doubt the next step following whatever achievement your team accomplished. Made the playoffs? You won't make it past round one. Made the western finals? You wont get any further. Made the finals? Yeah that's all you'll make. Won the finals? Yeah enjoy it cause it will never happen again. Its possible that this guy is just extremely cynical. Or maybe he just likes pissing you off.
The guy who just wants player X to win a ring: This guy loves the NBA, but doesn't love a team in particular. He just wants guys to win rings. In fact, if it was up to him, there wouldn't be one NBA champion. There would be thirty. Since that's impossible they usually root for whoever they feel is due for a ring. These players include but are not limited too: Allen Iverson, Steve Nash, Grant Hill and Tracy Mcgrady. Last year, the common "just want him to win a ring" player everyone was rooting for was KG.
The Stat Cruncher: Its quite possible that every single basketball related stat is memorized in this guys brain. He'll have complete confidence in his predictions, and bombard you with stats when you oppose his prediction. He'll tell you that the combination of Kobe only averaging 25 ppg on 3 days rest and Kevin Martin having his best games off 1 days rest will result in the kings smashing the Lakers. He'll tell you that Tuesdays the day that Darko goes from a waste of a lottery pick to a decent 12 points 10 rebounds performer, and that will be the X factor that gets the grizzlies past the bobcats. Avoid having one of these friends.
Well, there you have it. A pretty well rounded description of what I will be putting up with until the NBA finals are over in June 09.
The Dreamer: Hope is never on short supply for this fellow. Even if his teams jet (with all the players inside) fell into a bottomless pit and have an estimated 1 year get-out-of-pit time, he'll still believe. This guy heads into the season thinking the Isiah Thomas run Knicks will not only make the playoffs, they will win the championship. He's so oblivious to reality that he will sit there, stare you right in the eyes and say "The Knicks are going all the way", without the slightest hint of him joking. That's because he's not. He's insane.
The Band wagoner: As soon as a team/player has a breakout season/moment you can bet your bottom dollar that Band wagoner will be there rooting for them. These dirty smug characters will change their myspace skins to that of Baron Davis as soon as he helps complete a huge upset against the Dallas Mavericks. Then, only a season later, he will constantly tell you how the Boston Celtics are the equivalent of the 1990's bulls. He'll wear his KG jersey everywhere he goes. Yes, that includes funerals. As soon as the Celtics get beaten twice by the Hawks, he'll tell you how he thinks the hawks are on their way to becoming the second coming of the 1990's bulls. He'll even tattoo their logo on his face, only to remove it a week later upon the hawks elimination. In which case, he will tell you how Chris Paul is the second coming of God for destroying the Spurs in game 1 and 2.
The Thinker: This guy finds meanings within the comments of announcers that you'd never think possible. For example, an announcer might say, "Since Kenyon Martin has been out of the game Kobe Bryant has lit up the Denver Nuggets". With no prior knowledge of Kenyon Martin or Kobe Bryant one might assume that Kenyon Martin is a good defender. That's the astonishing part. The Thinker has prior knowledge of everything, he just interprets it in an unbelievable way. That same announcer sentence would have The Thinker immediately classify Kenyon Martin as one of the best defenders in the NBA, and store it in his brain for life. You could be sitting their and say, "boy, James Posey might be one of the best defenders in the NBA" The Thinker will reply with "Yeah, so is Kenyon martin". Another quality of the thinker is a lack of acceptance to new data. If the Celtics limit Lebron James to 20% shooting for one game, The Thinker will always claim that the Celtics always lock-down Lebron. Lebron scoring 40 two games straight, or 100, will not change the thinkers stance. Nothing will. Not even brutal torture. Eventually the thinkers constant trips out of reality will result in him being alienated from your basketball group, until the season passes that is.
Your Archenemies: This particular guy always pisses you off. You'll talk about how you're glad your teams looking like they will
The guy who just wants
The Stat Cruncher: Its quite possible that every single basketball related stat is memorized in this guys brain. He'll have complete confidence in his predictions, and bombard you with stats when you oppose his prediction. He'll tell you that the combination of Kobe only averaging 25 ppg on 3 days rest and Kevin Martin having his best games off 1 days rest will result in the kings smashing the Lakers. He'll tell you that Tuesdays the day that Darko goes from a waste of a lottery pick to a decent 12 points 10 rebounds performer, and that will be the X factor that gets the grizzlies past the bobcats. Avoid having one of these friends.
Well, there you have it. A pretty well rounded description of what I will be putting up with until the NBA finals are over in June 09.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
My Entire Team...
You know, after the Mets made it to the National League championship game I was pretty certain the days of them being a futurama punchline were over. As it turns out, that was far from the case. Following that great year, the Mets put on the biggest September collapse in baseball history. And this year, yet again, the Mets have collapsed in September. Unlike last year, they had a chance to win the Wild Card. They didn't even have to fight against the big bad bully who always spoils their parties, the Phillies. No, they just had to hold off the brewers. The brewers are probably the only team in the MLB more mentally fragile than the Mets. And yet, they couldn't even do that.
Mentally fragile. Psychologically unstable. Not tough enough. No sense of urgency. Confused. These all describe the 07/08 Mets pretty well. But why? What in the world can make a team so mentally weak that they can't even handle the pressure of winning 1 extra game a season to make the playoffs? I'll tell you what it is.
My Entire Team Sucks
Clearly the whole M-E-T-S thing is shaking up the players subconsciously. So much so, that its safe to say the Mets will never win until they either change their name or ship out this pansy of a player core they got. Some of you might point out the 86 Mets, and claim that if they could do it so can these current Mets. No. The 86 Mets were so bad ass that they transcended the curse of the M-E-T-S. In fact, if anyone even tried passing that M-E-T-S crap on a member of the 86 Mets, its safe to say their shit would be promptly ruined. Now as we all know the 08 Mets are a bunch of Pansy's. The only solution for them is to have the teams name changed until they get some tough players. I even have a few suggestions.
#1. The Animal Abusers- This ones particularly good because it would scare the lights out of the Cubs, Cardinals, Marlins, Blue Jays, Orioles, etc. I mean seriously, if you were a mere baby Cub going up against the ANIMAL ABUSERS wouldn't you forfeit the game? Yeah you would.
#2. The Champs- If you're already the champs, everyone else will bow down.
#3. Armageddon- You're sitting their at your kitchen table, having your morning cup of coffee. You open the news paper, and notice that Armageddon is coming to town to play your home team. I don't know about you, but I'd run for my life.
Quite frankly, I don't see how anyone can call a team with those names "psychologically fragile". So dear Mets, please change your name. Ridiculous you say?
So is collapsing two years in a row.
Mentally fragile. Psychologically unstable. Not tough enough. No sense of urgency. Confused. These all describe the 07/08 Mets pretty well. But why? What in the world can make a team so mentally weak that they can't even handle the pressure of winning 1 extra game a season to make the playoffs? I'll tell you what it is.
My Entire Team Sucks
Clearly the whole M-E-T-S thing is shaking up the players subconsciously. So much so, that its safe to say the Mets will never win until they either change their name or ship out this pansy of a player core they got. Some of you might point out the 86 Mets, and claim that if they could do it so can these current Mets. No. The 86 Mets were so bad ass that they transcended the curse of the M-E-T-S. In fact, if anyone even tried passing that M-E-T-S crap on a member of the 86 Mets, its safe to say their shit would be promptly ruined. Now as we all know the 08 Mets are a bunch of Pansy's. The only solution for them is to have the teams name changed until they get some tough players. I even have a few suggestions.
#1. The Animal Abusers- This ones particularly good because it would scare the lights out of the Cubs, Cardinals, Marlins, Blue Jays, Orioles, etc. I mean seriously, if you were a mere baby Cub going up against the ANIMAL ABUSERS wouldn't you forfeit the game? Yeah you would.
#2. The Champs- If you're already the champs, everyone else will bow down.
#3. Armageddon- You're sitting their at your kitchen table, having your morning cup of coffee. You open the news paper, and notice that Armageddon is coming to town to play your home team. I don't know about you, but I'd run for my life.
Quite frankly, I don't see how anyone can call a team with those names "psychologically fragile". So dear Mets, please change your name. Ridiculous you say?
So is collapsing two years in a row.
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