You know, after the Mets made it to the National League championship game I was pretty certain the days of them being a futurama punchline were over. As it turns out, that was far from the case. Following that great year, the Mets put on the biggest September collapse in baseball history. And this year, yet again, the Mets have collapsed in September. Unlike last year, they had a chance to win the Wild Card. They didn't even have to fight against the big bad bully who always spoils their parties, the Phillies. No, they just had to hold off the brewers. The brewers are probably the only team in the MLB more mentally fragile than the Mets. And yet, they couldn't even do that.
Mentally fragile. Psychologically unstable. Not tough enough. No sense of urgency. Confused. These all describe the 07/08 Mets pretty well. But why? What in the world can make a team so mentally weak that they can't even handle the pressure of winning 1 extra game a season to make the playoffs? I'll tell you what it is.
My Entire Team Sucks
Clearly the whole M-E-T-S thing is shaking up the players subconsciously. So much so, that its safe to say the Mets will never win until they either change their name or ship out this pansy of a player core they got. Some of you might point out the 86 Mets, and claim that if they could do it so can these current Mets. No. The 86 Mets were so bad ass that they transcended the curse of the M-E-T-S. In fact, if anyone even tried passing that M-E-T-S crap on a member of the 86 Mets, its safe to say their shit would be promptly ruined. Now as we all know the 08 Mets are a bunch of Pansy's. The only solution for them is to have the teams name changed until they get some tough players. I even have a few suggestions.
#1. The Animal Abusers- This ones particularly good because it would scare the lights out of the Cubs, Cardinals, Marlins, Blue Jays, Orioles, etc. I mean seriously, if you were a mere baby Cub going up against the ANIMAL ABUSERS wouldn't you forfeit the game? Yeah you would.
#2. The Champs- If you're already the champs, everyone else will bow down.
#3. Armageddon- You're sitting their at your kitchen table, having your morning cup of coffee. You open the news paper, and notice that Armageddon is coming to town to play your home team. I don't know about you, but I'd run for my life.
Quite frankly, I don't see how anyone can call a team with those names "psychologically fragile". So dear Mets, please change your name. Ridiculous you say?
So is collapsing two years in a row.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Home Court Advantage
I've been playing tennis at the local tennis courts for about two months now. With my usual two trips a week to the courts, I've come to realize something. The people there are always the same people. Always. Its kind of creepy. Are these people unemployed? Did they lose their families somehow and have nothing but the Alley Pond tennis courts to pass the time? I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that they're all crazy. All of them. In their own special crazy ways of course. I think there is a possibility that all of their generic tennis personalities can be found in other courts, so I've decided to categorize them, along with advise on how to deal with said crazies.
#1. The old guy who takes recreational tennis too seriously: You know who I'm talking about. He has wrist bands on, a head band on, he yells at the top of his lungs after every serve and even worse he demands instant replays after ever close call. Scratch that. He demands instant replay on EVERY call. Even if the ball is out by a good three feet he'll claim that it "HIT THE DAMN LINE! STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SCORE, SCREW YOU MAN!"
How to deal with him: Simple, don't play him. Let him stand their serving all of his balls over the net in complete isolation. No game at all is better than a game with this guy.
#2. The critic: This guy never actually plays, he just watches everyone. He'll sit their, watching your game, and make annoying remarks like "you call that a serve?" "this guys backhand is terrible" "MY GRANDMA HUSTLES HARDER THAN YOU".
How to deal with him: Challenge him to a game. This usually exposes him as the shitty player he truly is, which breaks his super inflated ego into a million pieces. This is a good thing, as once he loses his ego the mind controlling critic-leech exits his body and he will once again be a normal human.
#3. The would-be tennis superstar and his brother: Man, these guys are annoying as hell. They hog the court for hours, HOURS. Older brother throws balls at the younger would-be star, and he hits them back. Older brother passes younger brother advice, and plays him in friendly matches to prepare him for his inevitable clash with Roger Federer. Yeah Right.
How to deal with them: Tell em' to get the hell off the court after an hour. And if they don't, just play on the court pretending they're not their until they get frustrated and leave. Trust me, it works.
#4. The guy who always returns your tennis ball: This is a really odd one. As soon as your tennis ball rolls into his court he'll return it to you immediately. Even if hes in a tight match with bragging rights on the line vs his friend, instead of returning the serve he'll pick your ball up when he noticed it rolled over. He won't just go out of his way to get your ball back to you asap, he'll go REALLY FAR out of his way.
How to deal with him: Just say thanks. This tennis court angel probably has a secret demonic side that comes out after tennis, and this is how he balances it out. You know, murderer by night, friendly tennis player by day.
#5. The fat guy who never wears a shirt: Man, I wish this guy would just wear a shirt. Seeing him flopping around trying to return his wife's hits is pretty disturbing. He also seems to have a temper problem. Constantly slamming his racket against the floor when he gets owned by his wife. Perhaps he rips his shirt off in fury before I arrive to the courts. Or maybe he ate his shirt. Who knows.
How to deal with him: Just don't play near him.
#6. The guys who always remind you that tennis is not their best sport: You'll find me and most of my friends in this one. As we play our matches along side "would be pros" and people who take it too seriously, we tend to find ourselves laughing at our skill, or lack thereof. Of course we always make up for our constant double faults and our complete miss-swings with a simple "come see us at basketball" remark. Seriously. No one at the tennis courts can beat us at basketball. And that's not just because they're all old and crusty at the tennis courts.
How to deal with them: Play them at basketball, or don't judge. It ain't cool man.
I wonder if that's how they all feel.
#1. The old guy who takes recreational tennis too seriously: You know who I'm talking about. He has wrist bands on, a head band on, he yells at the top of his lungs after every serve and even worse he demands instant replays after ever close call. Scratch that. He demands instant replay on EVERY call. Even if the ball is out by a good three feet he'll claim that it "HIT THE DAMN LINE! STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SCORE, SCREW YOU MAN!"
How to deal with him: Simple, don't play him. Let him stand their serving all of his balls over the net in complete isolation. No game at all is better than a game with this guy.
#2. The critic: This guy never actually plays, he just watches everyone. He'll sit their, watching your game, and make annoying remarks like "you call that a serve?" "this guys backhand is terrible" "MY GRANDMA HUSTLES HARDER THAN YOU".
How to deal with him: Challenge him to a game. This usually exposes him as the shitty player he truly is, which breaks his super inflated ego into a million pieces. This is a good thing, as once he loses his ego the mind controlling critic-leech exits his body and he will once again be a normal human.
#3. The would-be tennis superstar and his brother: Man, these guys are annoying as hell. They hog the court for hours, HOURS. Older brother throws balls at the younger would-be star, and he hits them back. Older brother passes younger brother advice, and plays him in friendly matches to prepare him for his inevitable clash with Roger Federer. Yeah Right.
How to deal with them: Tell em' to get the hell off the court after an hour. And if they don't, just play on the court pretending they're not their until they get frustrated and leave. Trust me, it works.
#4. The guy who always returns your tennis ball: This is a really odd one. As soon as your tennis ball rolls into his court he'll return it to you immediately. Even if hes in a tight match with bragging rights on the line vs his friend, instead of returning the serve he'll pick your ball up when he noticed it rolled over. He won't just go out of his way to get your ball back to you asap, he'll go REALLY FAR out of his way.
How to deal with him: Just say thanks. This tennis court angel probably has a secret demonic side that comes out after tennis, and this is how he balances it out. You know, murderer by night, friendly tennis player by day.
#5. The fat guy who never wears a shirt: Man, I wish this guy would just wear a shirt. Seeing him flopping around trying to return his wife's hits is pretty disturbing. He also seems to have a temper problem. Constantly slamming his racket against the floor when he gets owned by his wife. Perhaps he rips his shirt off in fury before I arrive to the courts. Or maybe he ate his shirt. Who knows.
How to deal with him: Just don't play near him.
#6. The guys who always remind you that tennis is not their best sport: You'll find me and most of my friends in this one. As we play our matches along side "would be pros" and people who take it too seriously, we tend to find ourselves laughing at our skill, or lack thereof. Of course we always make up for our constant double faults and our complete miss-swings with a simple "come see us at basketball" remark. Seriously. No one at the tennis courts can beat us at basketball. And that's not just because they're all old and crusty at the tennis courts.
How to deal with them: Play them at basketball, or don't judge. It ain't cool man.
I wonder if that's how they all feel.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Let go of my Balls.
About a three weeks ago I bought a set of twenty tennis balls for, well, playing tennis. Oddly enough, after my first few games with the new balls I found that a couple were missing. I was heading home with less balls that i had set out with. I didn't give it much thought. After my second trip, I noticed that the total number was even less. And by the third trip I was down to half of what I started off with. Were my tennis balls suffering from a Tennis-ball specific strain of the plague? Were UFOs secretly abducting them while I was hitting double faults into the net? I had to find the answer. During my fourth trip I made sure to watch where every ball went, and to watch out for any funny business from the people playing next to me. I hit one ball over the fence, I figured I'd just pick it up later as it rolled by some tree's. To my surprise, a middle aged fat lady picked the ball up and walked into the forest, so said one of my friends. Wow was the only word that could describe my thoughts at that moment. To make matters worse, amongst the confusion of who's tennis balls are who's, the jackass playing on the court next to me must have decided to put 5 of ours in his basket. Amazingly I was down to four tennis balls after a little over a week. Four.
I sat there, wondering whether it was worth playing tennis in public courts anymore. These people all seem to have been struck with a strong case of the "cheap bastards who steal tennis balls". And then It hit me. Pink. Pink was the answer to all of my tennis ball related problems. You see, the cool "tennis players" all use pro styled "green" balls. From the cigarette smoking guy with the head band, to the two twelve year old idiots moaning like their favorite tennis stars after every swing (someone needs to punch them), they're all far too"manly" to go with the pink.
I went off to models and got myself a nice basket of Pink tennis balls. Showed up at the courts, and gave all those tennis ball stealing mother fuckers the "Lets see you steal my shit now, assholes" look. Since then, I've only lost three tennis balls. And those were do to post double-fault rage. So if you want to save yourself from all of those tennis-ball stealing zombies, just go with the pink.
I sat there, wondering whether it was worth playing tennis in public courts anymore. These people all seem to have been struck with a strong case of the "cheap bastards who steal tennis balls". And then It hit me. Pink. Pink was the answer to all of my tennis ball related problems. You see, the cool "tennis players" all use pro styled "green" balls. From the cigarette smoking guy with the head band, to the two twelve year old idiots moaning like their favorite tennis stars after every swing (someone needs to punch them), they're all far too"manly" to go with the pink.
I went off to models and got myself a nice basket of Pink tennis balls. Showed up at the courts, and gave all those tennis ball stealing mother fuckers the "Lets see you steal my shit now, assholes" look. Since then, I've only lost three tennis balls. And those were do to post double-fault rage. So if you want to save yourself from all of those tennis-ball stealing zombies, just go with the pink.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Rappers Love Ballers
Basketball references in Rap songs. We've all heard em'. Some of them are good, others confuse the hell out of you. I decided to go ahead and list a few of the basketball related lines I've heard, along with my interpretations for said lines.
Kanye West - Swagger Like Us
"Trying to get that Kobe number, one over Jordan"
Kobe: 24 Jordan: 23
Olympic numbers
Kobe: 10 Jordan: 9
Kayne West must be implying that he's aiming for being one up on the greatest. Although Kobe
may have one up on Jordans jersey number, Jordan pretty much has him beat in everything Basketball related. So does that mean Kayne is aiming to be a wanna-be #1? Or what? He lost me with that line.
Lil Wayne- Swagger Like Us
"And my jewelz blue and yellow
Type of shit that make em call you Carmello"
Apparently Lil Wayne has a thing for Aquamarine and Topaz. So much so that it must appear as if he's wearing a Nuggets jersey as he rocks them stones.
Three 6 Mafia - ridin spinners
"You see my kin folks, cars, and glisten
Ain't nothin' like Sprewells cause they spinnin'"
Mr. Crunchy Blacks cars AIN'T NOTHIN like Sprewell sneakers! They actually spin! Sprewells
don't spin. They strangle.
Lil Wayne- Dough is what I got
"And when it comes down to this recording
I must be Lebron James if he's Jordan
No, I want rings for my performance
I'm more Kobe Bryant of an artist
Same coach, same game, been starting
...Same triangle offense
I come through the lane like dargent
Refree niggaz is lame they call charging
I have no brain I'm retarded"
when it comes to recording Lil Wayne is Lebron (the next great thing) if he (who?) is Jordan (widely thought of as G.O.A.T) But then Lil Wayne realizes he wants rings for his performance. Kobe has three rings and is just as great as Lebron, so Wayne turns into Kobe. Wayne's been sticking with the same coaches doing the same triangle offense since the get go. Uh oh, lil Wayne got called for charging (???). The refs are lame, yo'. He has no brain, he's retarded. Yup, I have no clue whats going on here.
Trife- Biscuits
"I'm from a place where chunkheads and zombies dwell/And niggaz keep they heat blazin' like Bonzi Wells"
So basically the people from Trife's neighborhood keep their glocks hot . Similar to what Bonzi's style as a JailBlazer.
The Game- My Life
"Got a Chris Paul mind state, I’m never out of bounds."
The game is never out of bounds, just like Chris Paul. And Deron Williams. And Steve Nash. And Darko Milicic. Seriously, who the hell is ever out of bounds? You have to "have no brain and be retarded" to be constantly suffering from being out of bounds. Or maybe he means hes always pulling down rebounds? In which case I say he should have gone with a Dwight Howard state of mind. 5 rebounds per game just doesn't cut it man.
Kanye West - Swagger Like Us
"Trying to get that Kobe number, one over Jordan"
Kobe: 24 Jordan: 23
Olympic numbers
Kobe: 10 Jordan: 9
Kayne West must be implying that he's aiming for being one up on the greatest. Although Kobe
may have one up on Jordans jersey number, Jordan pretty much has him beat in everything Basketball related. So does that mean Kayne is aiming to be a wanna-be #1? Or what? He lost me with that line.
Lil Wayne- Swagger Like Us
"And my jewelz blue and yellow
Type of shit that make em call you Carmello"
Apparently Lil Wayne has a thing for Aquamarine and Topaz. So much so that it must appear as if he's wearing a Nuggets jersey as he rocks them stones.
Three 6 Mafia - ridin spinners
"You see my kin folks, cars, and glisten
Ain't nothin' like Sprewells cause they spinnin'"
Mr. Crunchy Blacks cars AIN'T NOTHIN like Sprewell sneakers! They actually spin! Sprewells
don't spin. They strangle.
Lil Wayne- Dough is what I got
"And when it comes down to this recording
I must be Lebron James if he's Jordan
No, I want rings for my performance
I'm more Kobe Bryant of an artist
Same coach, same game, been starting
...Same triangle offense
I come through the lane like dargent
Refree niggaz is lame they call charging
I have no brain I'm retarded"
when it comes to recording Lil Wayne is Lebron (the next great thing) if he (who?) is Jordan (widely thought of as G.O.A.T) But then Lil Wayne realizes he wants rings for his performance. Kobe has three rings and is just as great as Lebron, so Wayne turns into Kobe. Wayne's been sticking with the same coaches doing the same triangle offense since the get go. Uh oh, lil Wayne got called for charging (???). The refs are lame, yo'. He has no brain, he's retarded. Yup, I have no clue whats going on here.
Trife- Biscuits
"I'm from a place where chunkheads and zombies dwell/And niggaz keep they heat blazin' like Bonzi Wells"
So basically the people from Trife's neighborhood keep their glocks hot . Similar to what Bonzi's style as a JailBlazer.
The Game- My Life
"Got a Chris Paul mind state, I’m never out of bounds."
The game is never out of bounds, just like Chris Paul. And Deron Williams. And Steve Nash. And Darko Milicic. Seriously, who the hell is ever out of bounds? You have to "have no brain and be retarded" to be constantly suffering from being out of bounds. Or maybe he means hes always pulling down rebounds? In which case I say he should have gone with a Dwight Howard state of mind. 5 rebounds per game just doesn't cut it man.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
