Home Court Advantage

I've been playing tennis at the local tennis courts for about two months now. With my usual two trips a week to the courts, I've come to realize something. The people there are always the same people. Always. Its kind of creepy. Are these people unemployed? Did they lose their families somehow and have nothing but the Alley Pond tennis courts to pass the time? I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that they're all crazy. All of them. In their own special crazy ways of course. I think there is a possibility that all of their generic tennis personalities can be found in other courts, so I've decided to categorize them, along with advise on how to deal with said crazies.

#1. The old guy who takes recreational tennis too seriously: You know who I'm talking about. He has wrist bands on, a head band on, he yells at the top of his lungs after every serve and even worse he demands instant replays after ever close call. Scratch that. He demands instant replay on EVERY call. Even if the ball is out by a good three feet he'll claim that it "HIT THE DAMN LINE! STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SCORE, SCREW YOU MAN!"

How to deal with him: Simple, don't play him. Let him stand their serving all of his balls over the net in complete isolation. No game at all is better than a game with this guy.

#2. The critic: This guy never actually plays, he just watches everyone. He'll sit their, watching your game, and make annoying remarks like "you call that a serve?" "this guys backhand is terrible" "MY GRANDMA HUSTLES HARDER THAN YOU".

How to deal with him: Challenge him to a game. This usually exposes him as the shitty player he truly is, which breaks his super inflated ego into a million pieces. This is a good thing, as once he loses his ego the mind controlling critic-leech exits his body and he will once again be a normal human.

#3. The would-be tennis superstar and his brother: Man, these guys are annoying as hell. They hog the court for hours, HOURS. Older brother throws balls at the younger would-be star, and he hits them back. Older brother passes younger brother advice, and plays him in friendly matches to prepare him for his inevitable clash with Roger Federer. Yeah Right.

How to deal with them: Tell em' to get the hell off the court after an hour. And if they don't, just play on the court pretending they're not their until they get frustrated and leave. Trust me, it works.

#4. The guy who always returns your tennis ball: This is a really odd one. As soon as your tennis ball rolls into his court he'll return it to you immediately. Even if hes in a tight match with bragging rights on the line vs his friend, instead of returning the serve he'll pick your ball up when he noticed it rolled over. He won't just go out of his way to get your ball back to you asap, he'll go REALLY FAR out of his way.

How to deal with him: Just say thanks. This tennis court angel probably has a secret demonic side that comes out after tennis, and this is how he balances it out. You know, murderer by night, friendly tennis player by day.

#5. The fat guy who never wears a shirt: Man, I wish this guy would just wear a shirt. Seeing him flopping around trying to return his wife's hits is pretty disturbing. He also seems to have a temper problem. Constantly slamming his racket against the floor when he gets owned by his wife. Perhaps he rips his shirt off in fury before I arrive to the courts. Or maybe he ate his shirt. Who knows.

How to deal with him: Just don't play near him.

#6. The guys who always remind you that tennis is not their best sport: You'll find me and most of my friends in this one. As we play our matches along side "would be pros" and people who take it too seriously, we tend to find ourselves laughing at our skill, or lack thereof. Of course we always make up for our constant double faults and our complete miss-swings with a simple "come see us at basketball" remark. Seriously. No one at the tennis courts can beat us at basketball. And that's not just because they're all old and crusty at the tennis courts.

How to deal with them: Play them at basketball, or don't judge. It ain't cool man.

I wonder if that's how they all feel.